Dear Vegan Straight Woman,
Sometime last year, I hosted a retreat that overtly specified that people of the LGBTQ community were welcome. You wrote me a letter saying, “No thanks, I’m straight.” And I wrote back to you saying that “straight women were also welcome.”
Also during our exchange, I expressed that we had always created retreats that welcomed everyone. However, straight people always seemed to feel comfortable going to most events without discrimination, so I wanted to be overt about our inviting the LGBTQ community. (I regret not saying LGBTQIA, but that’s in the future.) I said we wanted everyone to feel comfortable attending and that only straight men were not invited to this event. You said, “That’s no fun.”
We exchanged a few more emails and you finally said:
“I wouldn’t be comfortable in such a closed environment where the lifestyle is “right in my face.” In most public areas it is easier to ignore.
But it’s your retreat place and you certainly have the right to invite anyone you want. I simply choose not to go. Thank you.”
What is this lifestyle that you speak of? Is there a way that we act that is offensive? What did you think was going to happen? Did you think we were all going force you to cut your hair short, try to convert you, start making out and pull out heroine needles? (My cranky words, not yours.) It’s this attitude, where we are lumped into a stereotype of your making. Perhaps a hedonist evil and/or a proselytizing cult. Trust me, there are plenty of reasons I don’t talk about being queer. One reason is my second partner committed suicide. Another reason, is because of people like you, who say harmful things.
Because of this, I believed that you hate LGBTQ people and our cultures.
FYI – There isn’t one culture. We’re as varied culturally as we are straight people. What I have now learned from this type of aversion, is sometimes people are just afraid of what they don’t know or understand.
I now realize that it can be a really confrontational experience to be around people that have different preferences than you. I find that when a person doesn’t want something “in their face”, it’s because they maybe they don’t want to ask themselves hard questions like, “Could I be queer?” “Would I like it?” “Who would reject me or stay my friend?” “Will people think I’m queer, because I attend an LGBTQIA-friendly event?” I feel like, if you took the time to ask yourself and were ok with the answers, you wouldn’t be bothered to be around us. I would say it’s like being vegan, but being vegan is a choice; being queer is not. I can’t erase it from how I experience myself. I’ve tried. I now realize that it’s important to say that I am queer. This experience with you validated my reason even more for overtly inviting our LGBTQ family and community to this retreat.
I have forgiven you for saying those things. I don’t have time to hold your objections of us in my heart. I have forgiven myself for not telling you that your assessment of our lifestyle, included me. I acknowledge myself for being afraid of being bullied or discriminated against by people that say and harm LBGTQIA family. I am grateful for your reaching out to me, because now I know how important it is to continue to create invitations that don’t fit the hetero-normative status quo. I commit to overtly inviting our LGBTQIA family to all future events. I hope one day you’ll join us in this understanding.
May we heal the illusion of separation.
Blissful wishes,
Bee